Do I know pain and do I know self medication !
Yesterday I had a knee surgery with just local anaesthesia. Went wrong from the moment I lye down. In came this bad combination of an old grumpy butcher and psychopathic Nazi doctor. Only talking one word sentences. Entering the “telescope” was so painful that I simply had to “moan” – giving my very best to quite my screaming. Afterwards, the faces of the other patients in the waiting room looking as if they had just overheard a horror movie, not knowing whether to comfort me or cheer at me for surviving. Just couldn’t help putting up a big smiling “Enjoy Your turn” ;-).
And do I know pain following my traffic accident last year. The messed up nerves in my dominant hand. The reduced flexibility from the “crunched” albow and shoulder …. Pain from “using your self too much in rehabilitation” Pain from using yourself too little. I now have good days and bad days, but still with this underlying draining pain.
And do I know alcohol as a painkiller. Following me being released from the hospital, this numbing combination of morphine and white wine. Those nights where I knew in beforehand that I could not sleep and needed that extra helper. And those days simply being sick and tired of all the limitations and didn’t give a fuck.
Strange how this brain of mine still can be so easily triggered. How last night I felt that need for calming myself with alcohol. Calming the uncertainty. Starting this morning with draging myself from the bed to the sofa with my bloody bandages and an element of denial, the “why me – poor me” note. How about a cold beer ?
But Hey, wait. I am doing amazingly better than doctors expected. Even though my alcohol intake was to high I was also known as the most ambitious patient in the rehabilitation center. Pulling and pushing “joints” in my homemade “rehab-lap” in the garage – and I did good.
So, nice try – no cigar, You little lying alcoholic voice. Trying to sneak in on me just because my guards are down while pitying myself. Poor You, what a little pathetic bastard You are !.
/Soberman – not using a few days on the sofa as a bad excuse to self-medicate !