Heading for a concert tonight with my brother and two of his friends. Starting at a bar, a quick dinner and then to the Venue.
Just 3 weeks sober. Too early – Being a Dare Devil ?
Nope. Feeling robust. Overheard my brother telling his friend about me being teetotaler tonight. “He has a problem with alcohol like the rest of us. He is just more of a black or white guy” – Fairly supportive, my dear kid brother ;-).
Further I will be on crutches and strongly medicated following my operation Wednesday, so they would outrun me in a pub crawl anytime 😉
Sold Out. Got the tickets month ago. Will I start going to bars on a weekly basis now ? Nope !. But to give my ticket away now because “I am an alcoholic in early recovery” is simply to dark for me.
The ice is thick enough – living as a hermit crab is not adding to my long term sobriety. Doing things I love does !
/soberman – ready to rock my sober world tonight !
Do I know pain and do I know self medication !
Yesterday I had a knee surgery with just local anaesthesia. Went wrong from the moment I lye down. In came this bad combination of an old grumpy butcher and psychopathic Nazi doctor. Only talking one word sentences. Entering the “telescope” was so painful that I simply had to “moan” – giving my very best to quite my screaming. Afterwards, the faces of the other patients in the waiting room looking as if they had just overheard a horror movie, not knowing whether to comfort me or cheer at me for surviving. Just couldn’t help putting up a big smiling “Enjoy Your turn” ;-).
And do I know pain following my traffic accident last year. The messed up nerves in my dominant hand. The reduced flexibility from the “crunched” albow and shoulder …. Pain from “using your self too much in rehabilitation” Pain from using yourself too little. I now have good days and bad days, but still with this underlying draining pain.
And do I know alcohol as a painkiller. Following me being released from the hospital, this numbing combination of morphine and white wine. Those nights where I knew in beforehand that I could not sleep and needed that extra helper. And those days simply being sick and tired of all the limitations and didn’t give a fuck.
Strange how this brain of mine still can be so easily triggered. How last night I felt that need for calming myself with alcohol. Calming the uncertainty. Starting this morning with draging myself from the bed to the sofa with my bloody bandages and an element of denial, the “why me – poor me” note. How about a cold beer ?
But Hey, wait. I am doing amazingly better than doctors expected. Even though my alcohol intake was to high I was also known as the most ambitious patient in the rehabilitation center. Pulling and pushing “joints” in my homemade “rehab-lap” in the garage – and I did good.
So, nice try – no cigar, You little lying alcoholic voice. Trying to sneak in on me just because my guards are down while pitying myself. Poor You, what a little pathetic bastard You are !.
/Soberman – not using a few days on the sofa as a bad excuse to self-medicate !
A truly saddening experience yesterday. Spent time cleaning up on the huge “Blogs I Follow” list / revisiting fellow travelers from prior to my relapse.
What an extremely high rate of mortality in Sober Blogging. All these struggling people now Missing In Action. All those broken dreams, crushed hopes – again. Some blogs with only a few optimistic posts. Like finding a small breathing hole in the ice for a short while. Other abandoned blogs tell stories about a lot of effort, about being honest to the bone and heartfelt – truly beliving in changes. Other blogs simply vanishing. Sending my very best to all of You, may you keep going and find your way to sobriety.
About to abort the clean-up, but kept scrolling down that long list. Made me both more sorry and scared. What are MY odds for staying put ? Luckily I was rewarded with alot of constructive thinking about how I am doing different from the bloggers now missing. No elevator pitch on that one yet.
Only answer for now is paying respect that this is hard work. That it will require discipline – but this again is contradictory to my belief that this is not (only) about hard work. It’s also about finding the root couses. The Why’s ? And allow myself love, joy and pride during the ride. Not wait for the “then/or/if” to happen. That answers is too still Work in Progress. Will keep the question in focus !
What Do you do Different from the falling ones ?
/Soberman – best wishes for the Missing-in-Action Sober Bloggers !
Grumpy. Out of energy. Out of Pink Clouds
[For the newcomers :
Pink Clouds are a state of mind, usually experienced in early sobriety, characterized by unusual happiness and grandiosity in spite of rather difficult life circumstances. ]
Should be celebrating two weeks sober. Instead I could hardly drag my ass out of bed. But hey, Good Days – Bad Days. I did not re-enter Sobriety to ride my life in the Clouds. I am not fucking Pinky Pie.
I am the “powerful, wise and mature Soberman”.
Dry your eyes King Baby. Come Monday – Above all the Sky is always Blue 😉
/Soberman – recognizing the Freedom of Sobriety – whatever Colour of the Clouds !
The 19-year-old daughter, still dealing with aftermath of two years of E-D (Eating Disorder / anorexia) and a mild level of O-C-D (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), really played hard when her D-S-H (Deliberate Self-Harm) took off following a 2 hours mix of crying and hugging and ever-lasting loops about … tadaaaa : What size sweatshirt she should order for College excursion March next year ! (deadline today)
The 5-year-old son then left the game early as his A-D-H-D had him craving his Ipad.
Status just before 8:00 PM : Kids had used most letters in the alphabet.
But I stayed the game and played my part calm and supportive, finished strong with just an inch of internal F-U-C-K and a lot of L-O-V-E. Strongly supported by S-O-B-R-I-E-T-Y
Time for this tired turtle to throw himself on the back of his shield. Tomorrow is still virgin, and – in all honesty – in this very moment – I am humble and thankful that I two weeks ago sticked to “Advice No 1 “: Do not keep alcohol at home on my homemade Fridge Poster !
/Soberman – Breaking for nothing this weekend. Simply no room for it 😉
Went to the Gym first time in ages.
Gained some 6 kilo during my relapse, more importantly that lousy feeling of laziness, of getting-old-before time. Of self-destruction. I so hated it.
Not even did I enjoy going today, I also remembered that simple little trick to keep me going. At returning from the Gym, empty and reload the Gym Bag. Put the fresh bag in the back of car ASAP. Voila, one of my biggest excuses for procrastination is simply gone. TRY IT 😉
Have a wonderful weekend out there. I will. Friday afternoon and no cravings. Both kids arriving in a few hours and Sober Daddy is so looking forward.
Soberman – Regaining Power – one Day at a time !
Even though I relapsed for some 4 month and have only been sober for less than two weeks, I really feel as if I just plugged in again.
Those 4 month now seems like a bad nightmare (which they where) and as if I am just continuing where I left the track (which I do).
I must and I will keep paying respect to / work on my sobriety. But at the same time I am again allowing myself to just breathe in and with the biggest smile on my face just enjoy every big and small gift that staying sober gives me !
/Soberman – feeling robust and confident – and ENJOYING sobriety !