Soon 100 Days – and Free Wine in Spain !

Camino Red wine Fountain 3

I am leaving for the El Camino – Way of St James tomorrow. First day on the road will also be the Grande Finale of my 100 Days Sober Challenge.

In the guide books every second picture is about people cheering in red wine at dinner. The 15 EURO pilgrim menu often includes a bottle of wine. Reading about places that even have a free outdoor tap of wine for pilgrims. Alcohol all over El Camino !

I will be walking with a close friend. We have been imagining us entering these beautiful old villages on a sunny mid day – having been longing for that COLD BEER the last several painful miles.

Diet Coke may not fit into the Kodak Moment of two tall sweating 90 kilo+ scandinavian vikings on a dusty town square in Northern Spain, so I told my friend I would be re-considering my sobriety.

And then the internal negotiations on “just on this trip” took off. “Hey, I will be so fucking mindful – no big risk of a few beers.” “Hey I just did the 100 day challenge – need to celebrate – let loose – leave stress at home behind. Will just start over when back home. I am in control now”

And the point is : It will indeed be starting all over when I get back home. “When is it OK – when is it Not – how much on a weekday, how much in the weekend. bla. bla bla bla….”.

I am still new in learning to listen to myself, still too easy to confuse. This was not about my friend and the photo album, stupid !

Diet Coke may not YET fit into my long learned ideal of “picture perfect manlyhood”. But I will not give a shit about surface any longer. “The way it is… is the way it is”. Dry your wet blue eyes Mr King Baby.

camino Dinner

I will not do the Camino with the idea of poor me holding that empty glass. My “cup” is not missing anything. Actually I have found that wonderful Sober tap that is filling me with pride, integrity, power and mental energy, That’s way more than any cheap free spanish wine can accomplish.

Did I tell You my friend/travel companion – also a proud father of two – survived but still suffers from his brain injury following a blood clot. It happened the same month I had my traffic accident last year. Just to put in the right perspective : Beer vs Diet Coke is not the biggest of issues for our pilgrim trip !

camino-de-santiago-road-sign

Heading for the Camino – One sober step and one day at a time !

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Fuck – I am still sober – 90+ Days !

mr_proper

So typical ! Letting my real-life-prior-to-being-sober persona take over without Soberman noticing. “nahh, I don’t deserve it. Not necessary. Don’t brag. Not relevant”. Hell NO !  Hell YES – I am fucking 90 Days sober !

My real life is a toxin silent drama. My marriage seems to be broken beyond repair. Despite all the crisis we have been fighting and winning the last few years, it is no big surprise. This has been coming for quite some times.

Wife now determinant on moving some 50 km away with kids as soon as she can arrange for an apartment. I think she is acting truly selfish now in the midst of a crisis she even denies having. She thinks different !

I have been fighting so much against it. Mostly for all the love for my kids. And yet I have this little voice saying  “Sometimes what scares You the most is the thing that will set You free”  – not convinced, but the voice has been there for all too long to ignore.

Instead of “self medication” I am doing my out most to be present.

My timing on reaching 100 days sober next week on El Camino – the Way of St. James is truly perfect :

It’s going to be tough – no matter what .. I will keep going.

I will smile through tears and laugh through pain .. I will keep going !

Immensely peace-, beauty- & mindful – I will keep going !

way of St James el Camino Still stepping forward – one day at a time !

/Soberman