“Don’t shit in MY nest” !

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At an Enterprise Management Training we once were to learn setting right borders for our integrity – being balanced in our intercompany relations. Some Native American guy was called in to learn us about his culture and introduce the colorful expression in the headline

His approach was in fact extremely relevant as most members of the management team did nothing but throwing shit at each others departments.

Throwing shit at others was never my game. Solitute shitting in my own nest – that’s where I put my problems.

I am sober (day 80) – spring is all around – and I have “a bad day”. Nothing goes my way, pain, low energy levels and same same problems wherever I look.

On days like today I could so easy argue myself into drinking – a lot.

No tricks in the sleeve for being happy go lucky today. Alcohol indeed will not do the trick. I really really do no longer believe alcohol will solve any of my problems, not even lighten my day. I don’t need to be happy today btw. And tomorrow is a brand new (hangover free) day.

I am so thankful that I finally learned not to shit in my own nest !

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My Annus Mirabilis

albergue1_el Camino

Albergue de peregrinos de Orreaga Hostel

In 2014 I suddenly lost my father – and my mother in law. I nearly lost my oldest daughter to anorexia – she is better but still in our  “in-house” treatment. Our “toddler” son has been labelled a “shadow sibling” – challenged in his development following the “attention” of his big sister. I also got severely injured in a traffic accident with a long recovery.  In fall both my wife and I lost our jobs due to  absence / seak leave – still unemployed with our relation now highly “under pressure”.

Me being both mental and physical “toast” at New Years I decided to do different.

As my dear readers may know I started 2015 by “not doing” / by stopping – first smoking and then drinking.

Time is up for next step. Start Doing. Me daring following one of my old dreams. May 11th I will take the first step – out of thousands. That night I will celebrate 100 Days sober at the Albergue de peregrinos de Orreaga Hostel – following “the exhausting initial stage of St James’ Way” – the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage.

Family resources not up for me doing  the entire 800 kilometers – But hey, am I now dreaming about my 10 days / some 250 km of Stage 1 mindfull walking in the Pyreness mountains.

2014 is so much last year – 2015 is my Annus Mirabilis !

Learning to follow my dreams – one day at a time.

/Soberman

Last-Minute Tree Cutting

Tree Cut Down

Sunday evening – wife and kids just returned from a weekend at the grandparents.

No need to say I’m sorry. No need to feel sorry.

I did not wake up mid day – rushing out for a last minute cut down a big tree or paint a fence – that highly visible cover-story. My ever false war-stories. No need to hide my tracks nor lie or emphasize minor completed ToDo’s.

I just did whatever task I wanted to do – and I did good.

Now tired in this deep almost childish and profound way. Feeling honesty to the bone following solitude time is rewarding.

My own company is rewarding – It may seem banal – to me it is completely game changing. 10 weeks sober.

– finally trying my best – one day at a time.

/Soberman

SOBRIETY – Did it ! – What next ?

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I salmon swear and declare what-ever that I am Sober. Job done. Still the naive hubris foolish guy that believes he can do different ? YES !

Actually I have declared sobriety since waking up the morning after finishing my last drink ! CELEBRATION !

So everything is fixed now ? (BURP, sorry! – Friday evening – last two hours I drank 2,5 liters of Tonic Water ! Still some moderation issues).  No, unfortunately sober is not my final step / that icing on the sweet cake I call my life. Early spring or not. I am out of “pink clouds”. And I still have the load of crisis pilled up for me.

Wife and kid away next 48 hours and the gin and wine is actually within reach (0,7 meters)

Breathe in Soberman – what’s your point : That Sobririty is boring. That my fixation on being Sober has stopped. I still miss some 31 days in Belles 100 days sober Challenge. Will keep counting. Not a jerk. I want the T-shirt.

clown drunk Ugly

The LENGTH of my soberness is now a periphery measure only , extremely well-descripted in this “Size Does Matter” post. Howtobesobergirl brilliantly argues that what is relevant instead, is the WIDTH of my (sober) actions. What life issues am Iworking on. What new and better foundation am I building for my soberness.

It is so clear now that all my excuses for drinking where of course just lying lying lying.  “No good excuses for me drinking, and I stop spent energy on the bad ones”.I wildly prefer getting up and empty the cats tray than to sit with that insane internal dialog.

I can be in tears accepting all of this as late as age 46 – fuck a lot of wasted opportunities. But Hey Fuck Fuck. Now I am here. Where the rubber hits the road. Dealing with my shit. Finally dealing with the real underlying issues. Working on the Tonic intake too!

My sobriety is now a pre-requisite for my life – It is no longer a goal I will stirr me blind on !

– getting brighter and wider – sober – one day at a time

/Soberman

PS: It is a 100 days since I stopped smoking today 😉

PPS :

Salomon Fodfæste

fancy red shoes too ?

Tomorrow morning I am up for a 12K trail race in fancy red 2015 Salomon Speedcross 3 shoes. Having car packed already for an early leave. Love it !