Running day 47 sober I am really feeling down and broken.
Not only due to the fact that I am in my 4th day of fighting a bad flu. ( WTF – I actually held the idea that Soberman – following my 6 weeks of ascetic lifestyle – was somewhat made of Stainless Steel – indeed not staying in bed fighting germs).
Following my new wisdom I may have reached either or both of two bads :
- A typical phase of “the blues” – according to some bloggers peeking between day 30-80 ? Honeymoon is over – and the capability to re-socialize sober is still to be learned. I admit that I indeed have been living in my on little “play-it-safe” cocoon. Not the right long lasting solution – I know
- Or I have ran into the PAWS – Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptome. Which can last up til 2 years ! – FUCK ! 2 years of feeling tired, drained for energy, feeling PMS for 2 years – Hey I am 6 feet tall mid-40’es bold blue-eyed broad shouldered scandinavian guy – a proud father of two ! – PMS is not my idea of sobriety !
That’s where the broken Funny bone and the cross road come into picture. Should I live with the broken funny bone like forever ? Earlier attempts I strongly believe have failed due to my approach and expectations towards running sober. Following perhaps my childhood [as always – blabla !] – as the oldest son in a broken family I somehow learned to have this “happy go lucky approach to what-ever” – a false optimistic approach – someone has to drive this ship forward. This approach – the funny bone – the hollow Superman – the I-break-for-nobody approach is how I started my earlier attempts going sober.
English by no means is my native tongue, nor do I use it on a daily basis. Just 1 hour ago I actually did not know that “a funny bone” was not a bone ! And 5 seconds ago you never imaginedthat the bones in this picture in actually mine. My fucked up funny “bone”, no kidding – pictures from my last summer !!!. (just one Kodak Moment of the truck load of shit that hit me and my family during 2014).
And hey talking about always looking at the bright side. This was not the only fractures – BUT I indeed did beat the prognoses for my rehab. Impressed the doctors – of course ! I can now again lift up my kids and function fairly well. It took time, it took my sleep, it was (still is) painful – it was by no means funny – AND I did not just put in my happy-go-lucky – I did put an awful lot of attention and effort and exercise into it.
This leads me to my cross road in regard of me going sober onwards. What to do now ? Sober is no longer “fun at all” – weeing about how I miss just having no responsibilities. Letting loose. Releaing steam. “Be a real man – get hammered with friends”. (is holding no responsibility – getting hammered – “being a real man” btw ?).
In this wonderful blogging world I found the right profound answer which I will paraphrase something like this “Hey asshole ! – Sober is about a decease trying to kill you. Sober is about you not destroying your own life and the lives of those caring and being depended about you.” When serving my 1 year in the airforce I learned that there where never ever any good excuses and we did not waste our time on the bad ones !
So – dry up your eyes. Stop acting like a bad clown in a kids circus. You and your loved ones do not need you feeling petty about some mood swings. And they do not need you acting happy either. They need you to be present and get your shit together. I think this is what leads me to the cross road. I can either go into this “soberman” project 100% – or not !. Pardon my french : SHIT – OR GET OF THE POT – NOW !
So I decded to shit then. Aarrggh – can do somewhat more motivation, say;. I HAVE DECIDED TO DO MY VERY OUTMOST TO BUILD MYSELF AND MY LOVED ONES THE BEST LOVING, CARRING AND REWARDING LIFE POSSIBLE. AND THIS – NO DOUBT AT ALL – INCLUDES SOBRERITY !
And so happened I stood at another cross road this morning:
I have learned so much from this Sober Blogging Community already. I have truly truly connected to some of you bloggers in a way beyond my imagination. Holding your stories so close to my heart. Especially taking into account you don’t know me at all. At best you will notice me as small DNA tracks, fingerprints in your blog statistics from a Scandinavian country. Thank you all so much anyway. Thinking it over I started my own blog in my usual happy.go.lucky.I.break.for.nothing style. Just notice the blog name for Christ sake ! I even started in my native language – hoping to start a trend (big ego !) – not happening.
6 weeks into my blogging life I feel as if I am constantly gate crashing, being a thief at night – some creepy lurker. Not my style.
Therefor. As of today I will do my blogging in English. My “line of business” is as fare from feelings as imaginable, BUT not having time for the bad excusses though, I will rebound my fogged brain, learn humour (!) and extend my vocabulary – as time and the flu and the fever passes.
Talking about the blog name. The true reason for the SobermanPower was simply that I stumbled across this quote from Christopher Reeve :
“What makes Superman a hero is not that he has power, but that he has the wisdom and the maturity to use the power wisely”.
Running in my mid-fourties I have now learned that due to my addiction I have a bad track-record of either-or. Either Zero or All-In. Either Love me or Leave Me. Either stand-still or 100 Mph.
I also know that I hold a lot of power to reach stretched (short-term) goals. I am also a loving and caring dad. Now mix and stir and You may have a highly qualified Soberman reaching for the long term goals ! See, can’t help ending on that positive note 😉
Fuck the Blues – one day at a time /Soberman