Billy Joel for Breakfast was a bad idea

billyJoelBreakFAst

The soundtrack of this family is a ongoing loop of one-hit-teen-X-factor-star-of-the-week tracks. And sometimes I just HATE IT !
Me arranging Billy Joel for this family Saturday breakfast was not a home-run with wife and kids. And I can deal with that.

BUT Jesus Christ. One of these mornings, sitting at the table, looking at my family as if I just came down from the moon. The teen-daughter being dragged out of bed with her “dead-fish-eyes” just not ready for the day – not up for this world. The youngest up since 06.00 AM  – behaving like ball in a pinball machine – and always always acting out at the table. And the lovely lovely lady totally disagreeing with even my slightest attempt to have just a minimum of table manners. Each and every family member – wife mostly – soon turning eyes on me for even just breathing politely (poor me, right !).

family Breakfast

We ended up having the cat shoot this for the family album

In situations like this morning I still have an issue dealing with my soberness. Everything being oh so fucking “balanced” – oh so “centered”. I feel more like kicking our annoying cat or run the street yelling at our neighbor for just no reason while he is emptying his mailbox. I simply feel as if I miss the trouble-making – miss fucking things up. The “If we are to have an argument tonight anyway baby, then let me then give You the perfect reason !” kind of mad. (genius thinking  – King Baby ! )

And do I know what road this Saturday was heading just a few month ago. 10:30 AM and now I am already on my 3rd Diet Coke.

Caffeine eyes

Plan to spent rest of day cleaning and sorting boxes in the dark loft – my X-ray vision come handy – while playing MY music loud – in MY head speakers 😉

Making the world a better place I will leave for tomorrow.

Must learn ways of dealing with “stupid family” – one Saturday morning at a time.

/Soberman

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Confused or am I ? – daily talks with my wine rack !

OverThinking

Show me now these damn invisible walls to crash into?

Reading about warning signs, different phases for the first 5 years. About not being overly enthusiastic as the newcomer. Being patient. Being aware. Don’t Crash and Don’t Burn. Be afraid.

And I truly is trying to “listen and learn”. But our house is still full of alcohol and often my lovely lady is still having a glass or two for dinner. Harikiri in the making ? I always do my blogging in the home office right next to the wine rack. Looking for trouble ? Easter is around the corner with “snaps” and the heavy brew. Disasters about to happen ? What to watch out for ? What to adjust ?

Bell X-1B

But something has changed during these last weeks. My inner dialog is changing. I am starting to own my Soberness. Finding small vital changes in how I communicate. Less smileys and irony. This is getting serious and I trust myself. Yes, I TRUST MYSELF. And it just feels so straight right and easy.

So what – conclusion please ? Sorry, not today. I agreed with the alter ego about NO OVERTHINKING on the blog, so I just stop this post right now. …. Seriously ? Yes – Hugs , see U.

– – –

Confident  – one day at a time !

/soberman

Heading for High Score !

high_score_320x320

Just returned from my doctors office. No drama today but next time I will be looking forward to those needles !

– – –

I ended the last workday of 2014 in the hospital. Rushed in for blood tests and cardiograms following nasty pains in leg and chest. Luckily no blood clots found this time, though test showed my stress, lack of sleep and my drinking and smoking would take me back in soon !

When slowly heading for the exit in the hallway of the hospital I still remember this moment of NO WAY.

No matter what new accidents and traumas that current shitstorm of my life would have up for me and my dear family, I simply could not go home and continue my path in 2015.

No more ignoring my health. No more being a victim of this life. No more down-wards spirals. No more afraid of dying !

This was not how the story of my life should be anymore !

Now Turn Page : Today sitting at the doctors office “proud” and smiling :

Yes

No smoking since December 31th – and no problem at all : YES

No drink since January 31th. Stable and still learning : YES

Good nights sleep – Finally : YES

Weekly steady routine of going to the gym 5 times a week : YES

Regular and healthy meals : YES

_ _ _

I have an appointment for a 6 month follow-up testing in June.

And for the first time in life I will be looking forward to that needle. Visualizing walking down the hallway of the hospital. Summer. Fit, strong, healthy look with my head up high – aiming for the perfect scores on what-ever parameters in those damn blood tests.

hubris

Hubris with less than a 100 days sober and already “trumpets” ?! . If it is hubris I wil not see it myself, right ?

And If You have any good advice for me going ahead please reach out. Truly appriciated.

– – –

But for now – what I am doing is working for me.

Live to be a 100 years ? No idea. No plan.
But I know I am not trying to kill myself anymore.

hubris - Pride

Heading for High Score – one day at a time

/Soberman

Never Surrender !

prisoner of war

Surrender is something I do against my will. Capitulation.
As if being sober is somehow being captured by an enemy force stronger than me. Me as a Prisoner of War.( P.O.W.)

And my problem about being captured, being the P.O.W.?

In the Code of Conduct a P.O.W has an obligation to escape. According to the Geneva Convention it is expected that a “…P.O.W must plan to escape, try to escape, and assist others to escape..”

TEst 3

Does that mean that I at any given moment should look for loopholes in my soberness, test the fence or sit imprisoned for the rest of the war ! What a not.so.wonderful outlook for further sober living.

Nope. I ACCEPT that I have a disease. I have ACCEPTED the long trail of evidence that I have left behind. I ACCEPT I myself did the math that staying sober brings me the best forecast for the rest of my life.

Come handy, in dealing with acute crisis / traumas I once learned a model. A plain simple model of 4 phases. Each phase can last days or years.

  1. DENIAL : First phase “FUCK : this is not happening to me”
  2. REACTION : the “doing something” is better than “doing nothing” phase (moderation ?)
  3. ACCEPTANCE : “The way it is – is the way it is” ! The hardest step !
  4. ACTION : Only following Acceptance we start taking the correct sound actions.

In some crisis we never get farther than Denial. Often we keep looping between Denial and Reaction.

Yes I may have been living in Denial in regards to my alcohol consumption, I may have spent enormous energy and lost a lot of self-esteem in earlier moderation attempts in Reaction mode.

But this time is different. This time me.myself.I ACCEPTED !.

I was not forced into doing this. I will not try to escape, sneak away at night or search for the key to my hand-cuffs.
Because there are no hand-cuffs. I am NOT a prisoner – the war is over – I am finally FREE !

– enjoying my freedom – one day at time !

/Soberman

My Big Fat ”WORK HARD – PLAY HARD” Lie

stop lying

Not just the hidden gems being reveled in early sobriety !

SoberLearning had this inspiring list of recovery acronyms.

D-E-N-I-A-L reasoned especially to me as

Don’t-Even-Notice-I- Am-Lying !

I strongly hold the idea that the solution for my long-term sobriety is not delving in the past – Not this time !. Facing forward instead. But when these new moments where this clear brain, mind and heart connects to a “profound level of insights wrapped in velvet, silent music ….” Only such insights I will address and bring forward ! (I truly progressed with my new hobby, the meditation DIY starterkit this wekend ).

Angels

In a business context asking me about “me” I would answer “Work Hard – Play Hard” type-of-Guy.

And Yes I did. My career was rocketing – and I played and I partied HARD ! Then as anybody else struggling with balancing responsibilities from being a boss, a father a husband a big boy, my internal dialog was about “how to turn down the volume”. On the outside = Still the same !

Work-hard-play-hard

Now older, sober and honest I recon that in regards to Work Hard, the only thing being hard recent years is my attempt to at trying to stick to still more secondary roles.

In regards to the Playing hard, somehow along the way I missed up Drinking for Playing. Weekend trips : Drinking. Holidays : Drinking. Whatever event/activity always fake and ambiguous motives. Frankly, it is 13 years since I last whore a Starting Number for a sport event that mattered. I have spent a lot of time (and money) on planning long solitude outdoors and biking trips and never went. Worst thing : If you asked me last year what my dreams where, the answer would be some generic crap like “it depends” – “a happy family”. Not daring the truth answers of “None – as I do no longer trust myself !”

This hole drying up / going sober is so little about not drinking and so much about daring the truth and holding faith in dreams of the future.

Auch, writing this one hurts! So many things that could have been done different. Change does not happen in the past. So thankful for me doing my shit now and for all the inspiration in my new sober blogging world !

bike-rider-with-bob-trailer

Building a new reality – one day at a time !

/Soberman

Did not leave my Wingman in 50 Days straight !

Will not waste time listing Up’s and Downs and the top 25-lessons learned first 50 days sober. People smarter than me wrote this perfectly already. Google it if needed. My Point :

TODAY I AM 50 DAYS SOBER.  REBOUNDING !!!

Haven’t prep’d my acceptance speech for this award show. No revealing of the magic formula above. Just a plain simple “THANK YOU SoberMan, You’re my Wingman”. “Oh no Thank YOU Bald-guy-behind-a-keyboard”. “Nahh.. all too much. You My Wingman”. “No – YOU – YOU MY Wiiingmannn”.
ARRRGH Kids, Shot Up – Stop arguing. Please behave when on the Blog, U Morons !

(Sorry, I learned my english from bad TV-series and blockbuster movies in the 80’es. Today is Sunday – I am Happy – I will blog better – promise ?!)

wingman - never leave

– Never never leaving my wingman – one day at a time  /Soberman

WANTED : 1,735,601 kg of Ammonium Perchlorate Composite Propellant

Saturn HighRes

Did you know that the Saturn V rockets used 1,735,601 kg of Ammonium Perchlorate Composite Propellant during take-off ?

To be more precise during the first 455 seconds of a trip to the moon, Saturn V would burn 3.816 kilo fuel per second. The equivalent Mass of throwing your mother-in-law out the window some 4.000 times per minute.

Imagine a trip taking 3 days, now roughly 99.999% of energy necessary for going to the moon will then be used within less than the very first 5 minutes !

Shooting for the moon

I again take a positive stand here, shooting for the moon.

Because my idea of Sober Living is somewhat the same. There will be need for corrections, things will fuck up and break down (“Houston, we have a problem”), maintenance and the on-the-go-fixing.

But following the initial phase of flames and thunder and Hell-on-Earth – that exciting and exhausting (sorry) take-off – I will enter into some kind orbit in staying sober !

Days of Sunshines and Shitty Days – but that’s just life !

Still need for corrections, but with now only 1% need for energy spent on staying sober. Perhaps someone out there will prove me right. And there is a chance I may wake up tomorrow having dribbled on my pillow during these sweet and naive dreams … and some old fart – the ever nay-sayer – will argue me wrong … and beware me the high rates of relapsing and bla.bla.bl.a. But not today. Today I am proving myself right ! Today I wake up early – ready to spend 99,9% of my weekend on the (little) people that means the universe to me.

SpaceShip Kids

– building my universe – one day at a time – nice Saturday

/Soberman