Nothing is impossible !

Just a short dropping by.. prior to a good nights sleep.. late Sunday night…wrapping up the weekend !

Long time no see… 1 1/2 year since last post, and maybe I will start posting / re-awake this energetic, sometimes humerous place to vent … this too well documented long track of missed attempts… relapses and broken hope..

Let’s see, for now my only purpose of this re-visit being to make my mark, celebrate my milestone.

A hundred days sober ! Finally ! And so fucking strong at heart !

So “Soberman was a hero, he did hold a lot of power, and finally he had the wisdom and maturity to use it wisely” !

… feeling as if it is only the very beginning, the so long dreamed about lasting change leading to a different better way of living my life – sober life ! My so damn well deserved rebound ! YES !

Nothing really is impossible for those of us still bearing will at heart.

 

TAKE-OFF : Not the worst – the best day – Day 1

it is AM 03:04.

Had two bottles of white wine during late afternoon and night….. making this post mostly as my own personal commitment.

Will update whom-ever follower I have left later. Truly loved both the caring from fellow people supporting me – and me taking active part in supporting You.

Somewhat holding this Blog dear to my heart – still. Holding the idea that I actually did succeced in 2015 – Damn time flies… Did not succeced since I am at day 1 – again….

Numerus events  happening since. Youngest kid diagnosed with a psychological disorder – severe Infantil Autisme – now at a special school with no outlook for a real education, nor growing up holding job, building family the like…. “I told You so”, him and I was not just holding traditional father and son Alfa male temper issues….  But again a little to late to get that straight as we divorced 5 month prior to him been diagnosed.

And so much of my life went by ….. major challenges .. life-changing set-backs….  Holding what-ever reason to drink…… Holding what-ever reason to stop drinking.

Holding the positive note / the ever uplifting spirit of SoberMan. I did (and still do) my ever so very best for both my kids, my now ex-wife… in both dealing with the divorse … supporting her in what-ever maner (reason behind was not alcohol – I believe 😉 – may touch subject in a later post) financially, handling the actual move, the kids…. actually to a level where each and everybody told me – and keeps telling me – to somewhat hold focus on …. what is often my soft spot – me !

For some fucking reason I happens to hold the tendency to care the least about myself.
I can do – and I am doing what from the outside being valued as the very outmost to the ones I hold dearest. (if being alcoholic – ha ha.. okay then High Functioning, given so much to my nearest … that I do indeed hold enormous respect…) So much that I am being given Heads Up about caring for myself.

So that is exactly what I will start doing now….

Being thankful for all that I have – all the “dearest” – held tight at heart – doing as they wish, some without knowing what it means – others do indeed. Taking care of myself first….

Somewhat like the oxigen mask in the airplane in case of an emergency. No matter the sense of emergency – your self first – even prior to your infants.. AND That is what I will do as of tonight.

Being on that flight before… luckily I also remember weeks and months following Day 1, entering the aircraft and turning left ! Of course – Finally, being the pilot of my own life again !

First the oxigin mask while I can put it on myself. Goal being to be the captain of my own life – again.

All bottles / what-ever beverage emptied… All up for Day 1 …. All up for SoberMan back in the pilot-set ASAP !!!

READY FOR TAKE-OFF !!

/Soberman

 

“Dusting off” with a short-term plan

THX a lot for all of your support dear fellow bloggers. Every comment, like, PM whatever ment a lot.

I truly got the comment about “dust off” – stand up (in a hurry) – it’s not the end of the world. And so I do. Not on solid ground. But standing – and that’s enough.

In 9 Days I am entering the airplane to Thailand / Meditation Yoga resort as both Sober and a non-smoker. I have a plan !

I will of course not relapse into drinking. I will stand proud when waiting for Boarding. Not sweaty, smelly, shitty hang-over prior to an 11 hours flight – never again !

But I am not quitting smoking today. I will do so prior to leaving. It may be just outside the Departure terminal , or tomorrow. I respect that my smoking is somewhat of a “(smoke 😉 cover” for stuff I need to deal with. But my brain simply needs some rest in this very moment.

Back on track. THX.

/Soberman – keeping focus – having just one job to do today

FUCKED IT UP TODAY !

This post was ment to be labelled “Am I man enough for Yoga – YES ! – instead I “relapsed”.

Point being that in 11 days I will be going to Thailand for a 2 weeks meditation and Yoga retreat. Notice last week was my first Yoga Class. A Yogi yet to be !

Fucked up ? Yes, this was ment to be my first day as a non-smoker. I simply cannot see myself entering a Yoga resort smoking ! Instead I am now chain smoking – and drinking beers while writing this post.

So what went wrong. Spent the day “fall tree-cutting” in my grand-grand dads summer-house in the countryside with my lovely uncle. He is a smoker – and a normal drinker. Sweating like hell, well time for a break. And I went for the beer instead of the cigarette.

And on my way home I arranged numerous supplies of both – “enjoying” both while writing this.

Some will argue quitting smoking in early sobriety will mess up your brain. (I was without both smoking and alcohol 5 and 4  month earlier this year – so quitting absolutely not impossible.

Trying to figure out what went wrong :
This morning my oldest daughter cancelled our appointment tomorrow about going to a special exhibition at our most beloved art museum. Scheduled for a month. Disappointed – and “therefore holding no responsibilities for tomorrow”.

Friday, going to a dinner with former peers / managers at this “world wide leading IT corporation” – me being (unemployed, building a beard (Movember) and to top it of – being sober – not one of us anymore ?

And in a deeper level I think this upcoming retreat of being oh so balanced / my safe harbour in sight left my unguarded. As If I could let loose, enjoy the benefits of moderation (fooling who ?)
Not the case.

Wrapping up this post – and a shitty day – Soberman always on positive note : Tomorrow is yet another (sober) day. 10 days only to safe harbour at the meditation and yoga retreat.

Thanks for all Your Support. Hugs !

/Soberman – learning his lessons today – indeed man enough for Yoga !

Up the Ante – stopping smoking

Believing I am one of the only few managing to return from the St John El Camino pilgrimage trip this spring, to restart both smoking and drinking !

Sick and tired of me restarting smoking during my relapse, so now I will “Up the Ante” – fight my second biggest bad behavior – those ugly cigarettes. Read a ton of stuff on whether or not to do both at the same time. My conclusion being like with alcohol : Never a perfect day – besides today 😉 Tomorrow will be “Day 1” on my second Counting App 😉

– Soberman – fighting devils – and winning – one at a time

Sleepy being hyper !

Being extremely tired and overly hyper at the same time.

Allowing my self to just relax – please, no more dramas in my life currently. And then a few hours later, enthusiastically trying to fix all open issues – new pages of To-Do’s, Creating amazing plans covering the rest of my life. Ending up negotiating with myself on whether to do the dishes now or later. START-STOP-START-STOP.

And that is OKAY. No more self-loafing. The goal is still Sober one day at a time – doing just fine. And there is no urgent dead-line on creating my new wonderful sober life ! Mind and body needs to adjust.

/Soberman – having realistic expectations to early sobriety – day 25

High Risk Situation – Part 2

Friday night my brother fell down 5 meter from his balcony black-outed drunk.

His neighbours came to help, and on a “neck-board” he was rushed by ambulance into emergency room. Besides numerous bruses they haven’t found anything broken. He has very bad back pains – I truly truly hope he can be so lucky to come through without “severe damaged” which would be miracle ! – He fell directly on concrete and could so easily have died !

Still shocked – I drove him home friday night after the concert.

On a sidenote – finally deciding to share it :
During the concert he and one of his friends started drinking ridiciously hard. Beer, licquer and shots. (I have never been into shots and hardly liqueir). So be, but the worst part being they started annoying people in a both childish and AGRESSIVE way. Sticking empty shot-tubes in the back-pockets of strangers in front. Picking on girls obviously there with their boyfriends. I don’t know how to categorize “drunk behaviour”, but the two of us are different – I only turned overly loving, over-sharing, overly imitate. But never AGRESSIVE. I have never been at fight my entire life. knock on wood. Unfortunately I have seen my brother a few times acting out like this before. I tried to calm them down, I gave up and enjoyed the concert for my self in a distance where I could still keep an eye on them, but without them noticing me.

When leaving the venue my brother was to pick up his jacket – had mine in the car – we agreed to meet just outside our Exit. He somehow managened to slip by. Follwowing numerours calls and texts, me freezing like hell, I finally found him and his buddy in a fearce drunk agressive argument in the parking lot, about to turn into a fight. Me “the big brother” managed to seperate the two, and with some resistance they agreed on the buddy continuing “the night in town”, and me driving my brother home as orginally agreed.

Both in the car and at dropping him of at his house he continued his aggressive behaviour. This time arguing about me staying over so we could continue drinking (No way – stupid !! ).
I managed to get him into his house, playing the sweet “manly brotherly love” note.

I had some very sorry moments my 60 km drive home at 01,30, arguing his case about this only being alcohol speaking, So hoped this should have turned out different. But tomorrow is a new day.

An unknown number of hours later, he fel 5 meters down his balcony, black-outed drunk.

Alcohol is a shitty bastard. I truly truly hope this will only end up as a big warning. He is a craft-man and if he had any of the “limitations” I still have following my traffic accident last year, he cannot continue his line of work. (no alcohol or speeding or the like was part of that). At best he will consider his way of drinking, with a big lessons learned.

For now I will repeat my own comment on the original HIgh Risk Environment post (not aware of his accident at the time) :

“A NOTE TO SELF IF I SHOULD EVER QUESTION MY DECISION ABOUT A SOBER LIVING ! :

Sobriety is growing on me as “my way of life”.

Mostly I believe Sobriety will grow to be the enabler for living the life I truly want to”

/Soberman – hoping and praying my brother too stil has his change to live the life the he wants to !

High Risk Environments ?

Heading for a concert tonight with my brother and two of his friends. Starting at a bar, a quick dinner and then to the Venue.

Just 3 weeks sober. Too early – Being a Dare Devil ?

Nope. Feeling robust. Overheard my brother telling his friend about me being teetotaler tonight. “He has a problem with alcohol like the rest of us. He is just more of a black or white guy” – Fairly supportive, my dear kid brother ;-).

Further I will be on crutches and strongly medicated following my operation Wednesday, so they would outrun me in a pub crawl anytime 😉

Sold Out. Got the tickets month ago. Will I start going to bars on a weekly basis now ? Nope !. But to give my ticket away now because “I am an alcoholic in early recovery” is simply to dark for me.

The ice is thick enough – living as a hermit crab is not adding to my long term sobriety. Doing things I love does !

/soberman – ready to rock my sober world tonight !

Alcohol as my pain killer !

Do I know pain and do I know self medication !

Yesterday I had a knee surgery with just local anaesthesia. Went wrong from the moment I lye down. In came this bad combination of an old grumpy butcher and psychopathic Nazi doctor. Only talking one word sentences. Entering the “telescope” was so painful that I simply had to “moan” – giving my very best to quite my screaming. Afterwards, the faces of the other patients in the waiting room looking as if they had just overheard a horror movie, not knowing whether to comfort me or cheer at me for surviving. Just couldn’t help putting up a big smiling “Enjoy Your turn” ;-).

And do I know pain following my traffic accident last year. The messed up nerves in my dominant hand. The reduced flexibility from the “crunched” albow and shoulder …. Pain from “using your self too much in rehabilitation” Pain from using yourself too little. I now have good days and bad days, but still with this underlying draining pain.

And do I know alcohol as a painkiller. Following me being released from the hospital, this numbing combination of morphine and white wine. Those nights where I knew in beforehand that I could not sleep and needed that extra helper. And those days simply being sick and tired of all the limitations and didn’t give a fuck.

Strange how this brain of mine still can be so easily triggered. How last night I felt that need for calming myself with alcohol. Calming the uncertainty. Starting this morning with draging myself from the bed to the sofa with my bloody bandages and an element of denial, the “why me – poor me” note. How about a cold beer ?

But Hey, wait. I am doing amazingly better than doctors expected. Even though my alcohol intake was to high I was also known as the most ambitious patient in the rehabilitation center. Pulling and pushing “joints” in my homemade “rehab-lap” in the garage – and I did good.

So, nice try – no cigar, You little lying alcoholic voice. Trying to sneak in on me just because my guards are down while pitying myself. Poor You, what a little pathetic bastard You are !.

/Soberman – not using a few days on the sofa as a bad excuse to self-medicate !

Frankly, what are MY odds ? Yours ?

A truly saddening experience yesterday. Spent time cleaning up on the huge “Blogs I Follow” list / revisiting fellow travelers from prior to my relapse.

What an extremely high rate of mortality in Sober Blogging. All these struggling people now Missing In Action. All those broken dreams, crushed hopes – again. Some blogs with only a few optimistic posts. Like finding a small breathing hole in the ice for a short while. Other abandoned blogs tell stories about a lot of effort, about being honest to the bone and heartfelt – truly beliving in changes. Other blogs simply vanishing. Sending my very best to all of You, may you keep going and find your way to sobriety.

About to abort the clean-up, but kept scrolling down that long list. Made me both more sorry and scared. What are MY odds for staying put ? Luckily I was rewarded with alot of constructive thinking  about how I am doing different from the bloggers now missing. No elevator pitch on that one yet.

Only answer for now is paying respect that this is hard work. That it will require discipline – but this again is contradictory to my belief that this is not (only) about hard work. It’s also about finding the root couses. The Why’s ? And allow myself love, joy and pride during the ride. Not wait for the “then/or/if” to happen. That answers is too still Work in Progress. Will keep the question in focus !

What Do you do Different from the falling ones ?

/Soberman – best wishes for the Missing-in-Action Sober Bloggers !